Category Archives: Humor

It’s Christmas… Deck the halls with ex’s crawling out of the woodwork

Sometime you go through life, minding your own business, when your ex from way back appears like the ghost of Christmas past and haunts you. Last year it was my ex Will who wanted me to ditch my boyfriend and come hang out. Awkward! Haven’t heard from you since you dumped me and now you want a “visit” while you are in town. Nothing makes one feel more like a piece of ass. Then comes Chris. Ahhh Chris. Says he’s moving away but we will keep in touch then drops off the face of the earth for two years. Yet here he is, in town for the holiday. Want to get together? You were always so amazing… I remember that about you. Do you also remember that I’m not the type of girl to cheat or fall prey to bullshit from ex boyfriends?

And he’s dating someone! She’s a hedge fund manager. Why in the name of God would you cheat on her? Something must be tragically flawed in these guys! Either that, or I’m the amazing piece of ass that they claim. I’m voting the former.

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Where do babies come from?

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When my daughter asked me where babies come from,
I lied.

Here’s what I didn’t say.

Babies come from hot nights and too many drinks.

Babies come from poor decisions, conversations with girlfriends in bathrooms packed with other women with makeup slowly running down their faces, and from packed clubs full of sweaty, straining bodies.

Babies come from broken condoms, and “I’m on the pill” and “I’ll pull out” and screams of “Oh God!! Do it!!!”

I won’t tell her that babies are made amidst moans of pleasure and hands sliding over bare skin, and open mouth kisses that taste of toothpaste and lust.

I didn’t mention that babies are created in a moment of fractured ecstasy where you belong to another; body and soul.

A time when a woman’s body is punctured and stroked and strains to join with that of a man.

Babies begin in online dating forums where lonely people look to meet each other for a night or a weekend or a lifetime and you can’t who is worth spending time with and who is going to become your next stalker.

Sometimes babies are made by ticking clocks, charts and graphs and monitors. Injections and schedules. Microscopes and doctors.

Babies can be made of desperation, “don’t leave me,” and empty marriages made of people with empty eyes who look to fill their lives with someone else’s.

Babies can be born of love, hate, loneliness, fear, boredom, and lust.

That’s where babies come from.

Sickeningly Sweet

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I’m going to admit something. I can be a hater. I know… Hard to imagine. Lol

I have, for as long as I can remember, hated people who blast their happiness everywhere they go. It’s in their overly lovey profile pics or in their sentimental posts. It’s in their beaming faces and heartfelt advice that seems a little too smug. Or that has been my perception. You see, I’ve never been one of the beaming masses. My marriage never put that goofy smile on my face that would denote lack of functioning brain cells in any other circumstance. I may have lightly touched the outer edges of the kind of love that makes one want to fight and believe again… But never have I stood in the sun and basked like a fat cat after a hearty meal and a relaxing scratch behind the ears. That is, until now.

I have caught myself doing the unthinkable. I have googled images like the one you see above to send to my boyfriend just because I need to tell him that I love him and that he’s on my mind. See! You hate me already! I get it. What happened to the bitter and interesting girl with the horrible dating profile pics and all the sarcasm? How did this stupidly emotional girl come from? She’s so gross… And yet happy and sweet. I even have a cute profile pic of us together..

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Yup. When my ring tone for him becomes a love song… Or worse, something he played on the piano, shoot me. Ok… Well don’t do that. I mean, I’m pretty damn happy… And smug, I will admit.

Curses… See what happiness has done to me. Excuse me while I gaze lovingly at dried flowers that he has given me and ponder the wonder that is him. And don’t think I don’t know you are busy gagging over there!

I’m no princess

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How I know I’m not a princess..
Princesses fall in love once, forever If I were a princess, I would have met the man of my dreams young and he would have fallen for me as hard as I would have fallen for him. He would have done everything he could… Slayed the dragons.. Whatever it took to have me. We would have lived and breathed for each other forever.
Princesses need saving I’m not a princess because I don’t really need a knight in shining armor. My problems are for me to deal with. They aren’t these big dramatic things that require someone to save the day. My problems are things that only I can fix and there really is no way to fix them 100%. They are boring, mundane, and completely personal.
Everybody wants to be a princess Trust me on this… No one wants my job! No one.

Maybe being a princess isn’t the answer to life the universe and everything (42) but damn it if I wouldn’t like to feel that way once. Maybe just for a little while.

Online dating’s finest

The day I met the guy I’m currently seeing, I was on Tinder for a sum total of maybe 4 hours. In that time I collected these precious baby boys…

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I’m not sure what Ms. Right would look like for this one…

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So he’s a little emo and believes in vampires… Otherwise, he’s awesome!

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I was struck by what a cute couple these two make. Lol

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If a picture says a thousand words, why does this one leave me speechless?

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Just wanted all you ladies out there to know, I got me some kicks!

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Not only is his picture fantastic… He refers to himself in the third person! Awesome!

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Oh please don’t show me your junk unsolicited!!!!

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Who are you calling pretensions? I will have you know I’m just desperate and trying too hard.

A nice guy

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That bear made me laugh. I’m sure every guy who has ever walked hand in hand with my 5′ tall self has felt the same way. There are, however, truly nice guys out there who actually treasure and care for the woman that they are with without sacrificing that which makes them appealing in the first place. I’ve been lucky of late to have dated some nice and considerate guys. I do think that I’ve been incredibly fortunate in that regard.

I want to say that I may have struck the nice guy lotto recently. The guy that I am in the quasi-relationship state with currently has been more kind and generous to me than any of the others. And that’s saying something!!! Case in point, last night I was working late. He asked if I was going to be getting dinner. I said no and that I would be working till I got my work completed even if it would be late when I finished. The man got in his car and went and bought me take-out Thai (which I’ve only ordered in front of him once but he remembered my preferences) and brought food to me. Mind you, he lives about 40 minutes away! Everything he has done has been sweet and considerate but I don’t see him like a push over or as a “nice guy” the derogatory sense. He’s just so wonderful! Of course my pessimistic self is waiting for the other shoe to drop but damn if I don’t feel blessed today!

Prince Charming

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Who is this Prince Charming of which I speak? Without giving the entire world the capability to follow and stalk him, here is his story…

He is a wonderfully intelligent, witty, and driven individual. He graduated from a very prestigious university and studied neuroscience. He was in officer training for the Marines when an injury did in that career. Much the the benefit of the world. He was recruited to work on changing the way that education is used in universities and ultimately in all schools. His opinion counts in his professional life. Personally, he is a social person who values substance in friends as well as lovers. This deeply interesting person also thinks I am deeply interesting and says that being with me is comforting and exciting at the same time.

Physically, he is of Mexican descent although he looks multi-ethnic. He has an excellent body and takes care of his appearance. And he smells sooo good!

Did I mention he is 24 to my 33? Lol. Cradle robber!!