Sickeningly Sweet

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I’m going to admit something. I can be a hater. I know… Hard to imagine. Lol

I have, for as long as I can remember, hated people who blast their happiness everywhere they go. It’s in their overly lovey profile pics or in their sentimental posts. It’s in their beaming faces and heartfelt advice that seems a little too smug. Or that has been my perception. You see, I’ve never been one of the beaming masses. My marriage never put that goofy smile on my face that would denote lack of functioning brain cells in any other circumstance. I may have lightly touched the outer edges of the kind of love that makes one want to fight and believe again… But never have I stood in the sun and basked like a fat cat after a hearty meal and a relaxing scratch behind the ears. That is, until now.

I have caught myself doing the unthinkable. I have googled images like the one you see above to send to my boyfriend just because I need to tell him that I love him and that he’s on my mind. See! You hate me already! I get it. What happened to the bitter and interesting girl with the horrible dating profile pics and all the sarcasm? How did this stupidly emotional girl come from? She’s so gross… And yet happy and sweet. I even have a cute profile pic of us together..

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Yup. When my ring tone for him becomes a love song… Or worse, something he played on the piano, shoot me. Ok… Well don’t do that. I mean, I’m pretty damn happy… And smug, I will admit.

Curses… See what happiness has done to me. Excuse me while I gaze lovingly at dried flowers that he has given me and ponder the wonder that is him. And don’t think I don’t know you are busy gagging over there!

So this is Christmas

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I can’t believe it’s almost Christmas! It seems this year went by so quickly. For me, this year has been marked by extremes of happiness and sadness, success and failure, and a heavy dose of reality.

Last weekend my grandmother died. She was old and her time had come. She died peacefully which is a blessing… But she still died. I’ve been coping with my grief badly I guess. I cried on the day she died and then went numb. I have pushed my feelings under the rug for survival’s sake. Work is busy; my personal life is full to bursting with holiday festivities. There just isn’t room for sadness. Still, I feel a bit empty. I feel like celebrating Christmas is just one more thing on the to-do list. Christmas has become a forced march over rough terrain with a gunny sack weighing as much as santa’s sled strapped to my back.

On top of my personal pains, I have individuals in my life who have decided they just don’t like me. I accept this. I don’t expect everyone to like me. I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. However, these people are causing me endless trouble. They could potentially derail my personal goals. Even if they don’t, their drama is causing me heaping spoonfuls of stress and anxiety. I have never understood meanness. I’m not that person. If I have a problem, I address it or find some way to cope. I would never be hurtful to another person intentionally. I wish everyone felt that way.

So this is my Christmas this year.

Wishes and good luck

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It has been forever since I posted here. I’ve felt the lack keenly. I’ve avoided blogging because of simple superstition. It’s silly, I know. I just have felt that shouting happiness to the world would invite disaster. I’m not sure why I feel so strongly about this. Still, I’m determined to face up to my fears and fill the chasm once again with my words.

I made a wish here. I wished for a man to love me. One who would give as well as take. The inequity in my most recent relationships… The unwillingness to hold strong against challenges… Left me feeling empty like a deflated balloon. I felt sure that everyone I met would fit easily into the mold left by the pervious occupants. Every time I think I know something… And am so sure that I’m right… Life shakes me and reminds me that I’m no god. It is not my place to know everything. The best I can hope for is to be sure of myself and even that is challenging sometimes.

My wish was granted. It was unexpected and still surprises me to this moment. I met someone who dazzles. He has, from the moment we met, become a part of my life so deeply it seems that he has always been part of it. I have no idea if it will last or if I am, as usual, way too optimistic. However, I am hoping for a wish come true. Here’s to granted wishes!

I’m no princess

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How I know I’m not a princess..
Princesses fall in love once, forever If I were a princess, I would have met the man of my dreams young and he would have fallen for me as hard as I would have fallen for him. He would have done everything he could… Slayed the dragons.. Whatever it took to have me. We would have lived and breathed for each other forever.
Princesses need saving I’m not a princess because I don’t really need a knight in shining armor. My problems are for me to deal with. They aren’t these big dramatic things that require someone to save the day. My problems are things that only I can fix and there really is no way to fix them 100%. They are boring, mundane, and completely personal.
Everybody wants to be a princess Trust me on this… No one wants my job! No one.

Maybe being a princess isn’t the answer to life the universe and everything (42) but damn it if I wouldn’t like to feel that way once. Maybe just for a little while.

Online dating’s finest

The day I met the guy I’m currently seeing, I was on Tinder for a sum total of maybe 4 hours. In that time I collected these precious baby boys…

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I’m not sure what Ms. Right would look like for this one…

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So he’s a little emo and believes in vampires… Otherwise, he’s awesome!

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I was struck by what a cute couple these two make. Lol

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If a picture says a thousand words, why does this one leave me speechless?

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Just wanted all you ladies out there to know, I got me some kicks!

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Not only is his picture fantastic… He refers to himself in the third person! Awesome!

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Oh please don’t show me your junk unsolicited!!!!

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Who are you calling pretensions? I will have you know I’m just desperate and trying too hard.

A nice guy

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That bear made me laugh. I’m sure every guy who has ever walked hand in hand with my 5′ tall self has felt the same way. There are, however, truly nice guys out there who actually treasure and care for the woman that they are with without sacrificing that which makes them appealing in the first place. I’ve been lucky of late to have dated some nice and considerate guys. I do think that I’ve been incredibly fortunate in that regard.

I want to say that I may have struck the nice guy lotto recently. The guy that I am in the quasi-relationship state with currently has been more kind and generous to me than any of the others. And that’s saying something!!! Case in point, last night I was working late. He asked if I was going to be getting dinner. I said no and that I would be working till I got my work completed even if it would be late when I finished. The man got in his car and went and bought me take-out Thai (which I’ve only ordered in front of him once but he remembered my preferences) and brought food to me. Mind you, he lives about 40 minutes away! Everything he has done has been sweet and considerate but I don’t see him like a push over or as a “nice guy” the derogatory sense. He’s just so wonderful! Of course my pessimistic self is waiting for the other shoe to drop but damn if I don’t feel blessed today!

Opened windows, closed doors, and other apertures

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Loss and gain are opposite sides of the same coin. Sometimes, you have to say
goodbye and let go.. Even if you don’t want to. The good news is that, for every loss, there is something new waiting in the wings. It’s not always easy to keep that perspective when you are hurting, but then you turn around and the heart that was shriveled revives and beats again for another.

I had 24 hours back on on-line dating before met someone. In fact, I met him in the first few minutes I had my profile back up. He meets and exceeds all the criteria I have for a boyfriend and then some… And he lives here and isn’t moving… He promises. I have a problem though. I am terrified. I have been thru several major disappointments recently and don’t know what it will do to me to have another quite so quickly. I’m not one to live with the fear of “what if” stamped on my existence and he has not given me any reason to be afraid of him. I have to trust that he’s the wonderful, if overly clean, man he seems. What else is there to do?